Bram Stoker's Dracula (THE MOVIE!)

I thought this blog was about books!

HA! Joke's on you guys! I write 'bout what I want! Also when I want, since this was supposed to be my Halloween post, but I only started writing it 10 minutes before midnight on Halloween. I think I win the procrastination award tonight. Anyway! Dracula... I think we're all pretty familiar with the premise of the story. There's a guy with fangs who refuses to die and he goes around biting people, sucking their blood. Somehow, losing a great deal of blood turns them into nymphomaniacs— because apparently anemia is nature's most effective aphrodisiac. Sound about right? ... No? But that's what this movie is leading up to!

Didn't this movie come out in the 90s? How is the nymphomaniac thing surprising?

Artemis cleverly conceals herself on my gray sweater.

The nymphomaniac thing is not surprising. I'll give you that one. But it has been years since I've seen this movie. Furthermore, I don't think I ever gave it the attention that it was due! I have a tendency to keep the TV on as background noise, or only listen to it while I crochet— as though movies and shows were actually radio dramas. I don't watch TV. Today, however, something remarkable happened. Today I looked up, and actually watched the shenanigans. Artemis helped this process along by settling herself on my lap and making crochet impossible, of course. It was then that I realized just what I had been missing, by only listening to the poorly delivered dialogue (whether spoken in Neo's monotone or Hannibal's insane outbursts). The visuals are stunning— often stunningly good, though sometimes stunningly bad. However, it's nothing so captivating that I would've sat and watched in fascination (twice). Nope. The thing that really caught me was Anthony Hopkins' bizarre performance of Hannibal Lecter Abraham Van Helsing.

Van Helsing was nothing like Hannibal!

You're right, of course, but I had just "watched" Silence of the Lambs as well, and it was fresh in my mind. Still, his performance was fascinatingly weird! I guess it'd have to be, given some of his lines:
"She is a bitch of the devil! Yeehee!— a whore of darkness![...] She is the devil's concubine!" All of this, gleefully delivered, and followed shortly by, "I'm famished! Feed me!" Whatever the hell that old coot had to drink prior to shooting that scene, I want two.

My favorite part, however, happened shortly after Lucy's death. During the wake, Van Helsing approaches Jack, the doctor who initially summoned him to examine Lucy. Van Helsing requests that Jack meet him at Lucy's grave before sunset with a set of "post-mortem knives." Assuming that the old psycho wishes to autopsy his beloved Lucy, Jack responds with: "An autopsy! On poor Lucy?"

Van Helsing: "Not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and rip out her heart."

At which point even Artemis, who had until that point been dozing on my lap, suddenly looked up in astonishment. Her eyes wide, she stared at me in bewilderment; her gaze clearly stating: "Mommy, what the fuck are we watching?!"

What the fuck indeed. There are many other ridiculous things I could share with you about this movie, if you haven't already experienced it for yourself. The silly effects, the ill-disguised "blood orgasms," or the inexplicable Harker-Mina-Dracula triangle are easy targets to share. Honestly, I really just wanted to tell you about my cat's reaction. 

If you read this before you go to bed: Happy Halloween 2016!

...If, however, you read this after you wake up...

Don't contradict Batman. Bad things will happen.

The Cruelty: Red-headed stepchild of the YA genre

I will find you... And I will read you. On 2/17/17

People who read my blog, take note: I am a bibliophile. You probably gathered as much from the fact that I have a book review blog that I post in on a mostly regular basis. Still, I wanted to preface the following review with that statement, so you would understand just how I came to possess a copy of Scott Bergstrom's The Cruelty. I love books, and if a print copy of something should be offered to me for free, well... How could I say "no"? It had everything to do with wanting a new book, and nothing with the fact that it's "young adult" fiction or that the plot is essentially reverse-Taken.

It's "reverse Taken"...?

Yes: a loved one is kidnapped by terrorists/mobsters/criminals that are involved with human trafficking and our heroic protagonist must save them. It just so happens that this time, the daughter has to go save her kidnapped father instead of the other way around. Dad's been damseled, but everything else is very similar.

Our heroine, Gwendolyn Bloom, is the seventeen-year-old daughter of a kidnapped diplomat, and she has tough choices ahead of her. Terrorists rarely pick the best time to kidnap one's family, and for Gwendolyn they chose the day after the tenth anniversary of her mother's murder. With one parent already brutally slain, Gwendolyn won't let the other go. The choices she faces begin benignly enough: will she go meekly to live with a distant relative she doesn't know and accept that the authorities are doing everything in their power to rescue her father— the only family she's ever really known? Or will she wrest control of the situation and do everything she can to get him back? I don't think we'd get much of a book if she'd done the former— "well-behaved women seldom make history" (L.T. Ulrich) and all that jazz. From that point forward, Bergstrom sets the narrative on cruise control in the "action packed novel" lane, complete with training sessions (where Gwendolyn emerges as a teenage badass capable of defending herself against anything after a month of intense training), breaking and entering, murder, even picking up on a cold trail in a missing person's case through Europe (which is where her dad disappeared).

That sounds intense!

It's predictable, yet satisfying. Except for a slow start— potentially a case of "first novel syndrome"— the writing was interesting and well-paced. I only wish that I'd actually been in the mood to read it, and that it weren't in the first person point of view because I find that irritating— both of which are personal problems and not the book's fault. It also didn't help that this was the third version of the Taken-plot I've read in the past month. (That was purely accidental, by the way.) But if you don't share my personal problems and you're a fan of action-packed, young adult thrillers drizzled with murder, you'll probably like this book.

There were a few things that pulled me out of the action. They mainly had to do with the aforementioned "first person perspective." That and I find it hard to believe any normal, "soft" 17-year-old could do this kind of stuff: leave the comforts of home only to get her ass handed to her repeatedly until she learns to destroy everything in her path. Still, it made for a good story.

Wait, how is this the red-headed stepchild of the YA genre?

Ah, that... Apparently the author made some disparaging remarks regarding young adult fiction, its writers, and audience in general. Or at least, he made remarks and they were taken very personally by the audience. If you google his name and the name of the book, it's practically the first thing that pops up. I mention this because I think the negative reaction is exaggerated— especially when people are rating the book like crap even if they haven't even read it purely because Bergstrom made some ignorant remarks.

I did receive a free copy of this book in exchange for a fair and honest review.

A is for Adventure: Part Coloring Book, Monster Manual, Campaign Guide. ALL Fun

The other day, I went on a little shopping spree for my friends. I am not allowing myself to spend much on myself lately, but I wanted to get a few little thank you gifts for my D&D group so... I bought coloring books. Of the three that I bought, my absolute favorite is A is for Adventure, by Scott Aleric. I want this book for myself and I want it now.

So the artwork is good?

Yes, but that's not all. This book is fantastic! I appreciate Aleric's style and the attention to detail. All the monsters are displayed in dynamic poses— typically in the process of mauling some foolish adventurer. The illustrations are worked in ink with full backgrounds and— Okay, you may find this a little bit strange, but...

I've read your other reviews. How could this be any stranger?

—what really does it for me is the hatch and cross-hatch shading. I love the texture it creates on the page. It's something that I just don't see all that much anymore, especially as more artists do digital art. And I haven't even told you about my absolute favorite part!

There's more?!

Yes! Included with each letter/monster is a mini campaign scenario featuring the monster, a small map, and even some plot twists to kick things up a notch. What I particularly love about these adventures is that they act almost as adventure-Legos: you could play with them on their own, put them together, or drop it in to your bigger campaign set. Tweak the scenarios to taste! Overall, I highly recommend this book! You'll like it too if you're into: 

1. Coloring! The pages are thin, but single-sided. No worries about markers bleeding through to the next page.
2. Role-playing! Mini campaigns need little customization if you're a lazy dungeon master or you just want to sample playing with friends.
3. Monster art! Most of the illustrations look like the monsters are winning. That's typically a plus in my book!

Have fun!