Bram Stoker's Dracula (THE MOVIE!)

I thought this blog was about books!

HA! Joke's on you guys! I write 'bout what I want! Also when I want, since this was supposed to be my Halloween post, but I only started writing it 10 minutes before midnight on Halloween. I think I win the procrastination award tonight. Anyway! Dracula... I think we're all pretty familiar with the premise of the story. There's a guy with fangs who refuses to die and he goes around biting people, sucking their blood. Somehow, losing a great deal of blood turns them into nymphomaniacs— because apparently anemia is nature's most effective aphrodisiac. Sound about right? ... No? But that's what this movie is leading up to!

Didn't this movie come out in the 90s? How is the nymphomaniac thing surprising?

Artemis cleverly conceals herself on my gray sweater.

The nymphomaniac thing is not surprising. I'll give you that one. But it has been years since I've seen this movie. Furthermore, I don't think I ever gave it the attention that it was due! I have a tendency to keep the TV on as background noise, or only listen to it while I crochet— as though movies and shows were actually radio dramas. I don't watch TV. Today, however, something remarkable happened. Today I looked up, and actually watched the shenanigans. Artemis helped this process along by settling herself on my lap and making crochet impossible, of course. It was then that I realized just what I had been missing, by only listening to the poorly delivered dialogue (whether spoken in Neo's monotone or Hannibal's insane outbursts). The visuals are stunning— often stunningly good, though sometimes stunningly bad. However, it's nothing so captivating that I would've sat and watched in fascination (twice). Nope. The thing that really caught me was Anthony Hopkins' bizarre performance of Hannibal Lecter Abraham Van Helsing.

Van Helsing was nothing like Hannibal!

You're right, of course, but I had just "watched" Silence of the Lambs as well, and it was fresh in my mind. Still, his performance was fascinatingly weird! I guess it'd have to be, given some of his lines:
"She is a bitch of the devil! Yeehee!— a whore of darkness![...] She is the devil's concubine!" All of this, gleefully delivered, and followed shortly by, "I'm famished! Feed me!" Whatever the hell that old coot had to drink prior to shooting that scene, I want two.

My favorite part, however, happened shortly after Lucy's death. During the wake, Van Helsing approaches Jack, the doctor who initially summoned him to examine Lucy. Van Helsing requests that Jack meet him at Lucy's grave before sunset with a set of "post-mortem knives." Assuming that the old psycho wishes to autopsy his beloved Lucy, Jack responds with: "An autopsy! On poor Lucy?"

Van Helsing: "Not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and rip out her heart."

At which point even Artemis, who had until that point been dozing on my lap, suddenly looked up in astonishment. Her eyes wide, she stared at me in bewilderment; her gaze clearly stating: "Mommy, what the fuck are we watching?!"

What the fuck indeed. There are many other ridiculous things I could share with you about this movie, if you haven't already experienced it for yourself. The silly effects, the ill-disguised "blood orgasms," or the inexplicable Harker-Mina-Dracula triangle are easy targets to share. Honestly, I really just wanted to tell you about my cat's reaction. 

If you read this before you go to bed: Happy Halloween 2016!

...If, however, you read this after you wake up...

Don't contradict Batman. Bad things will happen.

Halloween Freebies!

I'm currently working at a Halloween City. I could've started blogging about Halloween in August.

Hey guys! I just wanted to point you towards some books I found free on Amazon. No particular reason other than "people like free stuff, right?" Some of these books I have read before, and others I'm going to try out this month. Care to read with me?

I mentioned How to be Dead to you last year on Halloween, then I went on to read it. You know what? It was hilarious, and I loved it. The first book is still free on Amazon, and the second book— Paper Cuts— is well worth the $2.99. They're short, horror comedies and you really can't go wrong with them. I'll probably review these two sooner rather than later. The only thing that bugs me is that there is a third book in the works, and it isn't finished yet. So I'm bummed about that, but these two are still so worth your time.

Did you know that a metric butt-ton of classics are available for free on Amazon, if you're getting them on Kindle? I mention it because I forget all the time. Since Kindle is my digital platform of choice, I started loading it up with all kinds of stuff for the season, including: Frankenstein, Dracula, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and War of the Worlds. If you've read them before: good for you! I read Frankenstein in high school, and Dracula during college. Though they both started slow, they got much better. I was even able to get over having to read in the dreaded first person perspective during Dracula. Before the month is done, I hope to get around to The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm one of those people that likes getting around to the classics. It gives me more meme material.

I hope this will keep you all satisfied for a couple of days at least. Enjoy! And if you have a minute, leave me a comment with what your reading list looks like for this month. I like getting recommendations too, you know!

Art of Coloring Disney Princess: 100 Images to Lull You into a Catatonic State

This book was not made for me. When I see the title Art of Coloring Disney Princesses, certain expectations and standards come to mind. I expect a certain amount of froufrou nonsense and hoity-toityness featuring a pack of damsels in distress. Then I remind myself that "Disney Princess" refers to more than the classic damsels like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella. My hopes rise, knowing that bad-asses like Mulan and Merida might be present. Let's not forget that Jasmine, Tiana, Rapunzel, and Belle are also intelligent, quirky, and brave. So I bought this Disney Princess coloring book with the expectation of seeing a variety of "princesses" doing and being more than decorative damsels in distress. Further, I expected the artwork would meet the high Disney Standards: interesting, dynamic, and beautiful. What I got amounts to little more than a Barbie-like coloring book with some characters standing or sitting around, looking pretty, with vacuous smiles plastered on their faces.

How do you know they're vacuous?
Because their eyes are glazed and unfocused, and they're staring at nothing in particular! The whole book is generic, discount, knock-off Disney at best! I find it insulting— to me as much as to these princesses— that they should take some genuinely interesting characters and have them only stand or sit, and smile at the camera. These ladies have better things to do! Tiana has work to do. Mulan has villains to outwit! For fucks' sake, Belle has a giant library to read, and Aurora could be taking a nap, and these artists interrupt their busy ass schedule to have them stand against a backdrop and smile?! Or they got a Disney Princess stunt double to sit/stand against a backdrop with infrequent wig and wardrobe changes.

You got a problem with looking pretty and having a rich husband?
Not at all! If you're pretty, have a rich husband, and that makes you happy? Good on you! I simply find it dull. My high school yearbooks were more interesting than that! Which leads me to my biggest problem with this book: It is mundane, uninspired, and mediocre. You're more likely to be lulled into a catatonic state while coloring these pages than be creatively inspired. But prepare yourself. There's a kicker. ... Are you prepared?

You're the Diet Coke of Disney. Just one calorie: not Disney enough.

I think so...
Of the approximately 120 pages to color, 98 are dedicated to generic, repeating wallpapers. I know. I counted. For the purposes of this math, I want you to understand that if the image was a mandala with a princess silhouette or a repeating pattern, I counted it as "wallpaper." Therefore, not really a princess. Just patterns. There were only 23 images of princesses (with vapid smile facial details), and even some of those pages were more patterns than princess.

Overall, I found this book terribly disappointing and misleading. It is monotonous at best, and I don't recommend it at all. In addition to all the problems with content, the book itself is odd in that it is a hardcover coloring book—

That's kinda cool!
—but the covers are actually just cardboard pieces stuck on the outside of a soft-cover book. It makes little sense, and it looks weird. It doesn't really bother me. I'm just annoyed at the book in general. But that does bring me back to my first point: This book wasn't made for me. I gave it to my friend, and he loved it. Know your audience, I guess. I bet my audience loves narwhals.

All work and no play make Ly a violent jerkface

Why does the digital version cost
more than the paperback? It's digital!

I added a picture of today's title, in case it wasn't obvious what I'm about to review. You guys... I have had an extreme mental block regarding this book. I wasn't even writing a story; I just couldn't make up my mind what to tell you about it! The Shining is a classic horror story. If you haven't read the book, you've certainly seen the movie. If you've done neither, you have seen it referenced. If that hasn't happened, I don't know how you're reading this because I must assume you're some kind of hermit slug living underneath a rock in a cave too deep to get Wifi.

If you've got nothing to say, why are you writing the review?
It isn't that there's nothing to say. There's actually too much, but none of it is necessarily new. But I like sharing what I've been reading and this is it. Actually, I've been listening to this on audiobook on my commute to and from work. Funny story, there: my drive to work is a little over an hour long each way, and when I get home from work I'm too tired to do anything. I haven't even had the energy to plug my phone into my computer to update the content on there. Consequently, The Shining is the only audiobook I've been listening to. I'm on my fifth time listening to it. In a row. So you see, that is why I'm writing the review. After five — and counting— listens, I'd better damn well write something about this book.

And that something is...?
I understand why Stephen King didn't like the movie based on his book (or at least I think I get it), madness could be contagious, and this story doesn't actually scare me — it makes me sad.

Those are some diverse angles for this book, lady.
Well, when you listen to a thing five times in a ROW, you start to notice all kinds of things. Jack Torrance is a normal guy with several big problems: he's a recovering alcoholic with a short fuse, and his life is going to shit. He loves his family, and is doing his best to be a good husband and father. Unfortunately, as we are all aware, you're best isn't always good enough. Torrance is a writer experiencing a prolonged writer's block, was recently fired from his position as a creative writing teacher in an elite prep school, and is pretty close to being penniless.

Sounds like a really shitty day.
Life's a bitch and then you die, as my mom likes to say. Which is exactly what happens! When a friend gets him the job as winter caretaker of the Overlook hotel, Jack recognizes it as a perfect (and potentially his last) opportunity to get his shit together. This is the time to finish the play he's been working on, reconnect with his family, and generally stay out of trouble while keeping his family fed and sheltered through the harsh Colorado winter. Unfortunately, the spooks in the hotel have other ideas...

Come play with us Danny...
Okay, so we all know this kid is psychic, right? I hope I'm not spoiling it for you; this book has only been around since the seventies. Dick Hallorann— our friendly, magical, black character in the story— refers to Danny's knack as "shining." I like to refer to it as "brain allergies." You see, even the book refers to the "shining" as something people might have in degrees. Some people don't shine at all, some shine only a little. Others, like Danny, shine hot. Again, think allergies. If a person is not sensitive at all, the hotel doesn't bother them. Others may feel a slight unease, but generally be okay. Still others, like Danny, not only see the horrors that happened, but apparently also activate a cognizant malevolence lurking within the hotel.

For someone else's in-depth look at the book vs. the movie,
check out "King, Kubrick, and The Shining" on
thewordslinger.com

Now, if you've only seen the movie, you might start seeing why King is not a fan of Kubrick's work. I'm not saying Stanley Kubrick didn't make a kick-ass movie, but it's certainly not Stephen King's The Shining. That is going to sound awfully strange, given what I'm about to say next...
The movie touches on all the major plot-points in the book—

But you JUST SAID—!
I know what I said! The gist is essentially the same in both: a man goes crazy and tries to kill his family. Kubrick's "Shining" differs in that his Jack Torrance (Nicholson) is an asshole throughout the film. He's an emotionally abusive man who goes ape-shit very quickly. He dies, his family escapes, and I think, "Good riddance," then move on with my day. In the movie, his wife and son may as well be objects to be acted upon. I couldn't relate to any of them. But I relate with King's Jack Torrance.

I relate to the man who's struggling to keep his shit together and provide for his family, all while fighting his addiction and his violent inner demons. I understand how difficult it can be to not be an asshole to your friends and family when you're miserable. I'm sure a large portion of the U.S. population can empathize with a character who stays in a life position that's obviously bad for him because he has no alternative.
I can also relate to Wendy and Danny Torrance. They find themselves unable to do much more than hope for the best in an impossibly difficult situation. Maybe because of the shine —and maybe not— Danny understands a lot of what's happening to his family. Not all of it, obviously, because he's only five. But still, he gets that his daddy used to get drunk all the time, that he got fired, that he needs this job or they'll have nowhere to go. Danny understands, and that is why —despite his growing fear of the Overlook and its monsters— he doesn't tell his parents sooner that maybe they shouldn't go; maybe they should stay as far the hell away from that area as they possibly can.

One of the most iconic scenes in the movie, spoofed to death,
isn't even in the book. I love it.

Why so serious?
It makes me sad! When you listen to a book five times in a row and the first half of it is establishing how much this family loves each other... I got attached to them, okay? I want to have walked away from that many listens with a sense of, "If only they'd done this differently, maybe they would've been okay." But what could they have done differently? The true horror in this book is knowing that no matter what they did or tried, this family was doomed. They were isolated, not only while at the hotel, but in terms of their support network. What friends or family could've helped them while they got back on their feet? None, it seems. Love within their family wasn't enough, and it bums me out.

Now that I've maybe bummed you out too, let's talk about the ridiculousness that is repeatedly listening to a book about isolation while being isolated for hours at a time in a car during commute. I'm not about to say that listening to The Shining made me angrier than I already was about being stuck in traffic, but I'm not sure that it actually helped my situation. I spent a good deal of that time wishing I had Magneto-like powers to fling aside or crush all the cars ahead of me. So at the very least, I wouldn't recommend listening to this repeatedly during your daily commute to work. I do recommend that you read or listen to it, if you haven't already. Just be sure to take frequent breaks for hugs, though, okay? It's for your own good.


P.S.
Hey guys, I'm sorry it took so long to get another review out (again). I've been bashing my head against this one for the last couple of weeks. However, I'm trying to get back on a weekly (Thursdays) schedule, so please stay tuned!

Next time, on Tea-time Reviews!