Bram Stoker's Dracula (THE MOVIE!)

I thought this blog was about books!

HA! Joke's on you guys! I write 'bout what I want! Also when I want, since this was supposed to be my Halloween post, but I only started writing it 10 minutes before midnight on Halloween. I think I win the procrastination award tonight. Anyway! Dracula... I think we're all pretty familiar with the premise of the story. There's a guy with fangs who refuses to die and he goes around biting people, sucking their blood. Somehow, losing a great deal of blood turns them into nymphomaniacs— because apparently anemia is nature's most effective aphrodisiac. Sound about right? ... No? But that's what this movie is leading up to!

Didn't this movie come out in the 90s? How is the nymphomaniac thing surprising?

Artemis cleverly conceals herself on my gray sweater.

The nymphomaniac thing is not surprising. I'll give you that one. But it has been years since I've seen this movie. Furthermore, I don't think I ever gave it the attention that it was due! I have a tendency to keep the TV on as background noise, or only listen to it while I crochet— as though movies and shows were actually radio dramas. I don't watch TV. Today, however, something remarkable happened. Today I looked up, and actually watched the shenanigans. Artemis helped this process along by settling herself on my lap and making crochet impossible, of course. It was then that I realized just what I had been missing, by only listening to the poorly delivered dialogue (whether spoken in Neo's monotone or Hannibal's insane outbursts). The visuals are stunning— often stunningly good, though sometimes stunningly bad. However, it's nothing so captivating that I would've sat and watched in fascination (twice). Nope. The thing that really caught me was Anthony Hopkins' bizarre performance of Hannibal Lecter Abraham Van Helsing.

Van Helsing was nothing like Hannibal!

You're right, of course, but I had just "watched" Silence of the Lambs as well, and it was fresh in my mind. Still, his performance was fascinatingly weird! I guess it'd have to be, given some of his lines:
"She is a bitch of the devil! Yeehee!— a whore of darkness![...] She is the devil's concubine!" All of this, gleefully delivered, and followed shortly by, "I'm famished! Feed me!" Whatever the hell that old coot had to drink prior to shooting that scene, I want two.

My favorite part, however, happened shortly after Lucy's death. During the wake, Van Helsing approaches Jack, the doctor who initially summoned him to examine Lucy. Van Helsing requests that Jack meet him at Lucy's grave before sunset with a set of "post-mortem knives." Assuming that the old psycho wishes to autopsy his beloved Lucy, Jack responds with: "An autopsy! On poor Lucy?"

Van Helsing: "Not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and rip out her heart."

At which point even Artemis, who had until that point been dozing on my lap, suddenly looked up in astonishment. Her eyes wide, she stared at me in bewilderment; her gaze clearly stating: "Mommy, what the fuck are we watching?!"

What the fuck indeed. There are many other ridiculous things I could share with you about this movie, if you haven't already experienced it for yourself. The silly effects, the ill-disguised "blood orgasms," or the inexplicable Harker-Mina-Dracula triangle are easy targets to share. Honestly, I really just wanted to tell you about my cat's reaction. 

If you read this before you go to bed: Happy Halloween 2016!

...If, however, you read this after you wake up...

Don't contradict Batman. Bad things will happen.

Halloween Freebies!

I'm currently working at a Halloween City. I could've started blogging about Halloween in August.

Hey guys! I just wanted to point you towards some books I found free on Amazon. No particular reason other than "people like free stuff, right?" Some of these books I have read before, and others I'm going to try out this month. Care to read with me?

I mentioned How to be Dead to you last year on Halloween, then I went on to read it. You know what? It was hilarious, and I loved it. The first book is still free on Amazon, and the second book— Paper Cuts— is well worth the $2.99. They're short, horror comedies and you really can't go wrong with them. I'll probably review these two sooner rather than later. The only thing that bugs me is that there is a third book in the works, and it isn't finished yet. So I'm bummed about that, but these two are still so worth your time.

Did you know that a metric butt-ton of classics are available for free on Amazon, if you're getting them on Kindle? I mention it because I forget all the time. Since Kindle is my digital platform of choice, I started loading it up with all kinds of stuff for the season, including: Frankenstein, Dracula, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and War of the Worlds. If you've read them before: good for you! I read Frankenstein in high school, and Dracula during college. Though they both started slow, they got much better. I was even able to get over having to read in the dreaded first person perspective during Dracula. Before the month is done, I hope to get around to The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm one of those people that likes getting around to the classics. It gives me more meme material.

I hope this will keep you all satisfied for a couple of days at least. Enjoy! And if you have a minute, leave me a comment with what your reading list looks like for this month. I like getting recommendations too, you know!

What Alice Forgot (Spoilers: It was a lot)

Alice forgot an entire decade: the birth and lives of her three children, divorce proceedings, and the existence of her best friend. Meanwhile, I was beating myself up because I forgot when, exactly, I picked up this book; I'm fairly certain it was within the last two weeks. I read it over the course of two days, and I daresay they were two days well spent.

The story begins with Alice dreaming of cream cheese. Why not? Dreams are typically pretty weird. Alice Love is 29 years old, completely enamored with her husband, and pregnant with their first child. Or at least, so she believes when she wakes up from the cream cheese dream. But the reality is that Alice is 39 years old. She is on the floor of the gym wearing clothes she would swear are not hers. And what is she doing at the gym anyway? She hates exercising!

Oh no...
Oh Yes: It's an amnesia book.

Gasp of Horror!
As luck would have it, it isn't as cheesy as a soap opera; we can all rest a little easier. The story actually reads a bit like a detective novel: a heart-squishing kind of detective novel. Even my little black heart was momentarily touched as Alice tries to find the truth: if she and her husband were so happy, how could they be getting a divorce now? Did ten years turn her into an unlovable bitch where the most important people are concerned? Did he cheat on her? Why is her sister, who was always her best friend, so distant now? What did a decade do? As previously mentioned: it did a lot. The story goes back and forth primarily between Alice's perspective and her sister Elizabeth's journal/letters to her therapist. Alice's amnesia is a sort of catalyst for everyone to examine their relationships and who they've lost touch with over the years.

This may have been silly of me, but I read this as a horror novel for a while.

You ARE silly.
I know, but it was scary, because I can relate to the younger version of the characters. I was telling my husband how horrifying it is that in ten years we might have accrued all these little hurts and resentments that might make us hate each other, which is basically what was happening to these characters. And then he said something that made it all better. "Clearly, they never had the poop talk." Because if you can discuss your bowel movements with your partner, you can talk your way through anything. And those petty hurts you're bent out of shape over? You gotta let that shit go. In summary, the characters in this book are emotionally constipated, and Alice's amnesia is the laxative they needed. Once she gets in touch with her younger self, she remembers that some of the stuff she's wound up in really isn't so important after all. And she lets it go. So far, this book may seem like a bit of a downer. For those of you who cannot read something unless it has a happy ending, you can add this book to your list of things to read. You're safe.

Overall, I enjoyed this story and would recommend it to most people. Since much of it centers around what it means to be a wife, a mother, and reproductive issues, I don't expect men would care too much for it, but they might gain some insights anyway. The only thing that I found particularly weird about it didn't even have anything to do with the story, but with the book itself. Right after you're finished reading, there is a page toward the end that includes a list of discussion questions. I found the story compelling enough that I asked myself questions as we went along: What my life was like 10 years ago versus what I think it will be like 10 years from now, what relationships I lost to distance or pettiness, how the different character perspectives added to the story, etc. Well, I'm not sure if Liane Moriarty expects her book to be taught in college, or discussed in book clubs and she just has no faith in her readers' ability to think critically, because I found the inclusion of discussion questions to be unnecessary and even pretentious. Other than that, I don't think you'll regret reading What Alice Forgot.

All work and no play make Ly a violent jerkface

Why does the digital version cost
more than the paperback? It's digital!

I added a picture of today's title, in case it wasn't obvious what I'm about to review. You guys... I have had an extreme mental block regarding this book. I wasn't even writing a story; I just couldn't make up my mind what to tell you about it! The Shining is a classic horror story. If you haven't read the book, you've certainly seen the movie. If you've done neither, you have seen it referenced. If that hasn't happened, I don't know how you're reading this because I must assume you're some kind of hermit slug living underneath a rock in a cave too deep to get Wifi.

If you've got nothing to say, why are you writing the review?
It isn't that there's nothing to say. There's actually too much, but none of it is necessarily new. But I like sharing what I've been reading and this is it. Actually, I've been listening to this on audiobook on my commute to and from work. Funny story, there: my drive to work is a little over an hour long each way, and when I get home from work I'm too tired to do anything. I haven't even had the energy to plug my phone into my computer to update the content on there. Consequently, The Shining is the only audiobook I've been listening to. I'm on my fifth time listening to it. In a row. So you see, that is why I'm writing the review. After five — and counting— listens, I'd better damn well write something about this book.

And that something is...?
I understand why Stephen King didn't like the movie based on his book (or at least I think I get it), madness could be contagious, and this story doesn't actually scare me — it makes me sad.

Those are some diverse angles for this book, lady.
Well, when you listen to a thing five times in a ROW, you start to notice all kinds of things. Jack Torrance is a normal guy with several big problems: he's a recovering alcoholic with a short fuse, and his life is going to shit. He loves his family, and is doing his best to be a good husband and father. Unfortunately, as we are all aware, you're best isn't always good enough. Torrance is a writer experiencing a prolonged writer's block, was recently fired from his position as a creative writing teacher in an elite prep school, and is pretty close to being penniless.

Sounds like a really shitty day.
Life's a bitch and then you die, as my mom likes to say. Which is exactly what happens! When a friend gets him the job as winter caretaker of the Overlook hotel, Jack recognizes it as a perfect (and potentially his last) opportunity to get his shit together. This is the time to finish the play he's been working on, reconnect with his family, and generally stay out of trouble while keeping his family fed and sheltered through the harsh Colorado winter. Unfortunately, the spooks in the hotel have other ideas...

Come play with us Danny...
Okay, so we all know this kid is psychic, right? I hope I'm not spoiling it for you; this book has only been around since the seventies. Dick Hallorann— our friendly, magical, black character in the story— refers to Danny's knack as "shining." I like to refer to it as "brain allergies." You see, even the book refers to the "shining" as something people might have in degrees. Some people don't shine at all, some shine only a little. Others, like Danny, shine hot. Again, think allergies. If a person is not sensitive at all, the hotel doesn't bother them. Others may feel a slight unease, but generally be okay. Still others, like Danny, not only see the horrors that happened, but apparently also activate a cognizant malevolence lurking within the hotel.

For someone else's in-depth look at the book vs. the movie,
check out "King, Kubrick, and The Shining" on
thewordslinger.com

Now, if you've only seen the movie, you might start seeing why King is not a fan of Kubrick's work. I'm not saying Stanley Kubrick didn't make a kick-ass movie, but it's certainly not Stephen King's The Shining. That is going to sound awfully strange, given what I'm about to say next...
The movie touches on all the major plot-points in the book—

But you JUST SAID—!
I know what I said! The gist is essentially the same in both: a man goes crazy and tries to kill his family. Kubrick's "Shining" differs in that his Jack Torrance (Nicholson) is an asshole throughout the film. He's an emotionally abusive man who goes ape-shit very quickly. He dies, his family escapes, and I think, "Good riddance," then move on with my day. In the movie, his wife and son may as well be objects to be acted upon. I couldn't relate to any of them. But I relate with King's Jack Torrance.

I relate to the man who's struggling to keep his shit together and provide for his family, all while fighting his addiction and his violent inner demons. I understand how difficult it can be to not be an asshole to your friends and family when you're miserable. I'm sure a large portion of the U.S. population can empathize with a character who stays in a life position that's obviously bad for him because he has no alternative.
I can also relate to Wendy and Danny Torrance. They find themselves unable to do much more than hope for the best in an impossibly difficult situation. Maybe because of the shine —and maybe not— Danny understands a lot of what's happening to his family. Not all of it, obviously, because he's only five. But still, he gets that his daddy used to get drunk all the time, that he got fired, that he needs this job or they'll have nowhere to go. Danny understands, and that is why —despite his growing fear of the Overlook and its monsters— he doesn't tell his parents sooner that maybe they shouldn't go; maybe they should stay as far the hell away from that area as they possibly can.

One of the most iconic scenes in the movie, spoofed to death,
isn't even in the book. I love it.

Why so serious?
It makes me sad! When you listen to a book five times in a row and the first half of it is establishing how much this family loves each other... I got attached to them, okay? I want to have walked away from that many listens with a sense of, "If only they'd done this differently, maybe they would've been okay." But what could they have done differently? The true horror in this book is knowing that no matter what they did or tried, this family was doomed. They were isolated, not only while at the hotel, but in terms of their support network. What friends or family could've helped them while they got back on their feet? None, it seems. Love within their family wasn't enough, and it bums me out.

Now that I've maybe bummed you out too, let's talk about the ridiculousness that is repeatedly listening to a book about isolation while being isolated for hours at a time in a car during commute. I'm not about to say that listening to The Shining made me angrier than I already was about being stuck in traffic, but I'm not sure that it actually helped my situation. I spent a good deal of that time wishing I had Magneto-like powers to fling aside or crush all the cars ahead of me. So at the very least, I wouldn't recommend listening to this repeatedly during your daily commute to work. I do recommend that you read or listen to it, if you haven't already. Just be sure to take frequent breaks for hugs, though, okay? It's for your own good.


P.S.
Hey guys, I'm sorry it took so long to get another review out (again). I've been bashing my head against this one for the last couple of weeks. However, I'm trying to get back on a weekly (Thursdays) schedule, so please stay tuned!

Next time, on Tea-time Reviews!

What is this shit? Sentence of Marriage

The story of how rape and
abuse is all the victim's fault.

Why don't you tell us how you really feel?

I'm getting to it. GoodReads has this great feature where you can make multiple “shelves” for your books and name them as you please. Sentence of Marriage deserves its very own shelf. I named it “Fucked Up.”

I downloaded this book because it was free, it had a rating of at least three stars, and it was recommended to me as a “historical romance.” That was a goddamn lie. There is nothing romantic about this story. Historical? Maybe. Romantic? Nope. I call bullshit on that claim.

Wow, it appears you feel rather strongly about this.

You're goddamn right I do. It isn't often that I am sorry to have read something, but maybe I wouldn't be so angry with it if the synopses had painted a more realistic picture of what the story was going to be like. I mean, just look at it!

“In nineteenth century New Zealand, there are few choices for a farm girl like Amy. Her life seems mapped out for her by the time she is twelve. Amy dreams of an exciting life in the world beyond her narrow boundaries. But it is the two people who come to the farm from outside the valley who change her life forever, and Amy learns the high cost of making the wrong choice.”

A more appropriate synopses would have read:

“When her father unexpectedly marries a twit, 12-year-old Amy tries to make the best of a poor situation by showing kindness to her new stepmother. In return, her new mother showers Amy with contempt and emotional abuse. At the tender age of 15, Amy's new uncle (her stepmother's brother) sexually assaults her while visiting the family. After repeated promises of matrimony intended to coerce her into gratifying him, he runs away to Australia when he discovers she is pregnant. Can Amy surpass these hardships and lead a life she can still be proud of?”

Spoilers: The answer is “No.” Maybe you can start to see why I'm upset with this book. The actual synopses implies that someone with the ability to make a choice makes an unwise decision and must then face the consequences. In actuality, a teenage girl has no choice in what happens to her, is brainwashed into believing that she consented to having sex (She didn't. She very clearly said “no”), and then must suffer the consequences of her new status as a “sullied woman,” a broken object now devoid of worth. At one point in the story, her rapist (a twenty-something-year-old good-for-nothing posing as a gentleman), mentions that perhaps Amy should allow him to speak to her father before she goes mentioning anything about what “they” did (like she had any choice). Because, of course, he'll ask her father for her hand in marriage and they'll live happily ever after, and Amy wouldn't want her dad to break his arms, would she? Well, she didn't. But I did. So I continued reading, hoping.

She didn't want her father to break his arms? Why not?!

Sometimes authors do horrible things to their characters, then try to make up for it later in the story. One of the many horrible things Shayne Parkinson subjected our naive teenager to was having her fall in love with the man who would rape her. So after the rape occurred, the rapist convinced Amy that he had merely gotten carried away and it was all moot point because he intended to marry her. They only got a little ahead of themselves! And so, convinced that this was merely a lapse in judgment on his part and that he fully intended to marry her (and soon), Amy told no one what happened.

Wow... That's a terrible story!

It is. But it keeps going, and it gets worse

You're fucking kidding me...

I wish I were. You see, it's bad now, right? But then Ms. Parkinson refuses to satisfy our ensuing bloodlust, and instead proceeds to continue with the deliberate torture of a minor. Amy has her baby. Amy's baby is taken away. Amy gets married off to a much older man she has been terrified of her entire life in an attempt to salvage her and her family's name (despite the fact that her older brothers and her cousin beg her not to go through with it). This is bad, yes? The rest of the book, Amy is beaten and raped by her new husband. This was worse. At the end of the first book, she is pregnant by the monster she married.

Not a single good thing happened in this book. This was not a romance novel. It's the story of how a minor is put through hell and it doesn't matter that she's a good person. Her life is misery, and her abusers can carry on as they please. If I had wanted to read that story, I would've flipped through the news. If there was a poor choice on Amy's part, it was not committing suicide and ending her torture. (Actually, it was probably her decision to delay telling her father that she was pregnant, but that one is understandable.)

Apparently, there are people out there who think this is a good book. I even read a few reviews where people stated that this was a good book and that they enjoyed it. To those people I say, “I beg your fucking pardon?” What is enjoyable about a little girl getting raped and beaten? I am gobsmacked at the number of good reviews this atrocity received. As historical fiction, it might work. As drama, it might work. As a romance novel? No. Technically, the book is legible. Parkinson's writing works, the descriptions paint their pictures of horror terrifyingly well. It's just too bad the subject matter was so awful.

This is the first book in a series, and I downloaded it for free. I have never been so sorry to have read a story. I would actively discourage anyone from reading this.

Tis' the Season! Kind of... Creepy Cute Crochet

Come for Cthulu,
stay for the monkey.
Click here for the Amazon link!

I have a confession to make: I'm addicted to making toys. So much, in fact, that I hope my gravestone will bear the title "Master Crafter & Toymaker" along with a goofy-looking octopus wearing a top hat imprinted somewhere on it like a hidden Mickey (only not so hidden).
On that slightly morbid note, let me tell you about Creepy Cute Crochet by Christen Haden! This, along with Amigurumi World was one of the first books I purchased when I started making toys. My relationship with this book might best be described as "complicated." Unlike Amigurumi World, this book is still very much in one piece. Of course, it helps that it's hardcover. If you were to flip to any page in this book and set it down, you don't need to set anything on top of it while you work to keep it open. I assure you, when you're in the middle of a project and all you want to do is briefly glance at the page to remind you what to do, it helps if the book will stay open on its own. That. Is. GREAT. But aside from the fact that it's hardcover and will stay open without my abusing it, my copy of Creepy Cute is in fantastic condition because I just don't use it as much as some of my other books.

But WHY Ly? Everything in here is so creepy and/or cute! How can you resist?!
Well... Hayden's work IS adorable, but the devil's in the details. Unless you follow the directions quite precisely, your work will vary wildly from what is pictured in this book. I'm not saying that is either good or bad. I'm only saying that if you want things to stay in the same style as Hayden's creations, you have to go the extra mile. And you might enjoy it! One of the things I admire most about Haden's work is how she has accessorized her creations. She describes a number of ways to make your own eyes for creatures (using polymer clay), weapons (with clay and felt), and tiny little outfits for them if the pattern also calls for outfits. I just like her little monsters so much that I'm disappointed when mine don't turn out quite as well. To be fair, that's just my own laziness because I won't go out and start experimenting with clay as well. I may be a "master crafter & toymaker," but I do have my limits. So I'm disappointed in myself, on this score. But I wanted to warn you, in case you have a tendency to be lazy also.

I'm not lazy! I will make ALL the things! OR totally make them my own! I know no disappointment!
Good for you! How long have you been crocheting, if I might ask? While I would describe Amigurumi World as perfect for the total newbie and up, I cannot say the same for Creepy Cute Crochet. I would recommend this book only if you have at least some basic knowledge of crochet, how to follow a pattern, and how to wing it when things get confusing. And things do get confusing sometimes. I'm never totally sure, on any given round, whether I'm supposed to count my connecting slip-stitch or not. Generally, in most other patterns, you wouldn't. But here, you sometimes do and you sometimes don't, and it's a surprise whether or not you're supposed to be doing that from one row to the next on the same pattern. I've learned to deal with it, but I just wanted to give you fair warning. Again. That being said, I have learned things from within these pages that I use daily when I crochet, and not just for making toys! A magic circle, pretty edging, top hats, hair-- I learned all of these from this book!

What are you going on about now?
Techniques! Excellent, practical techniques!

• A magic circle is a way to start your work that does not involve a slip knot. What's neat about it is that you can tighten it closed to the point where it looks like there you crocheted into nothing. That means, no unseemly looking top-hole on your work (like when you're making the head of a toy). This is officially how I begin all of my toys, and all hats, and anything else that starts with a circle.
• I learned an edging on this book that is simple but immediately fancifies and beautifies anything you attach it to. The best part is, you just do it as part of your work, not as a separate thing to attach later. Win!
• Top hats! ... Okay, did you guys happen to notice on my previous post that a number of things I've made include hats? This is the book I learned that pattern from. I no longer use the pattern as is described because there are points in her descriptions that just confuse me. But I did simplify it some, and I make little hats for my toys constantly.
• Hair. Oh. Dear. GAWD. You guys... have you ever tried making a yarn wig for your toys? It is surprisingly easy! Well... Straightforward, anyway. I learned the technique in this book and bastardized it to fit my purposes. But you gotta start somewhere, and this is as good a place as any!

If I might draw your
attention to Thurston's
Hat of Mystery...

Did you notice TechGal's full
head of hair, perchance?

There are many techniques contained within this book that will help you make your own little critters, even if you don't want them to look anything like Christen Haden's stuff. So, is this my absolute favorite crochet book EVER?! ... No. But it's good, and I would recommend it if you have at least a little experience. And if you have no previous experience crocheting, you'll probably still enjoy it. Just be mindful that you may have one or two more frustrating experiences with it than if you started elsewhere. Enjoy!

Quick note! 
Sorry for not having any new pictures to demonstrate my work as it pertains to this specific book. As it turns out, I've given away the little creepers I made from these patterns without taking their pictures. (I've done that a lot.) And while I do use patterns from here regularly, they're more of the little trimmings rather than the full critters. 

Happy Halloween! No tricks, all treats!

Hey guys!

It's Halloween! Yaaay! 

I was thinking that I'm maybe a little old to go trick-or-treating for candy, but I will never be too old to go trick-or-treating for free books through Amazon. Here's a list of free Halloween books I found. They are all free (as opposed to being on kindle unlimited which is part of their lending library that you have to pay for). At least, today they are. All of these books are currently rated on Amazon as having 4 or 5 stars. Please be aware that with the exception of Dracula, I have not read any of these. I will, however, likely post reviews of them sooner or later since I downloaded them all. So with that said...

Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to read!

Classic Dracula

I'm going based on the title alone with this one: Psychosis. Thirteen short stories

Viral Zombies at Sea: Sea Sick

Serial Killer scary! Evangeline

Multiple authors, Halloween anthology: The Cat, the Crow, and the Cauldron: A Halloween Anthology

Horror that's funny: How to be Dead (The 'How To Be Dead' Grim Reaper Comedy Horror Series Book 1)

A little late to go to Hogwarts. Young adult paranormal comedy romance: Halloween Magic & Mayhem

Bonus Points: Joe Jill's Locke & Key is available as a free audiobook on Audible until November 4th! This is a 13 hour dramatized version, and my husband is going nuts over it. I have not listened to it or read the graphic novel yet, but I have heard nothing but good things about this. Doesn't hurt to snag it for free, so get to it!

I hope I found a treat or two that you'll like. Enjoy!