Bram Stoker's Dracula (THE MOVIE!)

I thought this blog was about books!

HA! Joke's on you guys! I write 'bout what I want! Also when I want, since this was supposed to be my Halloween post, but I only started writing it 10 minutes before midnight on Halloween. I think I win the procrastination award tonight. Anyway! Dracula... I think we're all pretty familiar with the premise of the story. There's a guy with fangs who refuses to die and he goes around biting people, sucking their blood. Somehow, losing a great deal of blood turns them into nymphomaniacs— because apparently anemia is nature's most effective aphrodisiac. Sound about right? ... No? But that's what this movie is leading up to!

Didn't this movie come out in the 90s? How is the nymphomaniac thing surprising?

Artemis cleverly conceals herself on my gray sweater.

The nymphomaniac thing is not surprising. I'll give you that one. But it has been years since I've seen this movie. Furthermore, I don't think I ever gave it the attention that it was due! I have a tendency to keep the TV on as background noise, or only listen to it while I crochet— as though movies and shows were actually radio dramas. I don't watch TV. Today, however, something remarkable happened. Today I looked up, and actually watched the shenanigans. Artemis helped this process along by settling herself on my lap and making crochet impossible, of course. It was then that I realized just what I had been missing, by only listening to the poorly delivered dialogue (whether spoken in Neo's monotone or Hannibal's insane outbursts). The visuals are stunning— often stunningly good, though sometimes stunningly bad. However, it's nothing so captivating that I would've sat and watched in fascination (twice). Nope. The thing that really caught me was Anthony Hopkins' bizarre performance of Hannibal Lecter Abraham Van Helsing.

Van Helsing was nothing like Hannibal!

You're right, of course, but I had just "watched" Silence of the Lambs as well, and it was fresh in my mind. Still, his performance was fascinatingly weird! I guess it'd have to be, given some of his lines:
"She is a bitch of the devil! Yeehee!— a whore of darkness![...] She is the devil's concubine!" All of this, gleefully delivered, and followed shortly by, "I'm famished! Feed me!" Whatever the hell that old coot had to drink prior to shooting that scene, I want two.

My favorite part, however, happened shortly after Lucy's death. During the wake, Van Helsing approaches Jack, the doctor who initially summoned him to examine Lucy. Van Helsing requests that Jack meet him at Lucy's grave before sunset with a set of "post-mortem knives." Assuming that the old psycho wishes to autopsy his beloved Lucy, Jack responds with: "An autopsy! On poor Lucy?"

Van Helsing: "Not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and rip out her heart."

At which point even Artemis, who had until that point been dozing on my lap, suddenly looked up in astonishment. Her eyes wide, she stared at me in bewilderment; her gaze clearly stating: "Mommy, what the fuck are we watching?!"

What the fuck indeed. There are many other ridiculous things I could share with you about this movie, if you haven't already experienced it for yourself. The silly effects, the ill-disguised "blood orgasms," or the inexplicable Harker-Mina-Dracula triangle are easy targets to share. Honestly, I really just wanted to tell you about my cat's reaction. 

If you read this before you go to bed: Happy Halloween 2016!

...If, however, you read this after you wake up...

Don't contradict Batman. Bad things will happen.

Halloween Freebies!

I'm currently working at a Halloween City. I could've started blogging about Halloween in August.

Hey guys! I just wanted to point you towards some books I found free on Amazon. No particular reason other than "people like free stuff, right?" Some of these books I have read before, and others I'm going to try out this month. Care to read with me?

I mentioned How to be Dead to you last year on Halloween, then I went on to read it. You know what? It was hilarious, and I loved it. The first book is still free on Amazon, and the second book— Paper Cuts— is well worth the $2.99. They're short, horror comedies and you really can't go wrong with them. I'll probably review these two sooner rather than later. The only thing that bugs me is that there is a third book in the works, and it isn't finished yet. So I'm bummed about that, but these two are still so worth your time.

Did you know that a metric butt-ton of classics are available for free on Amazon, if you're getting them on Kindle? I mention it because I forget all the time. Since Kindle is my digital platform of choice, I started loading it up with all kinds of stuff for the season, including: Frankenstein, Dracula, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and War of the Worlds. If you've read them before: good for you! I read Frankenstein in high school, and Dracula during college. Though they both started slow, they got much better. I was even able to get over having to read in the dreaded first person perspective during Dracula. Before the month is done, I hope to get around to The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm one of those people that likes getting around to the classics. It gives me more meme material.

I hope this will keep you all satisfied for a couple of days at least. Enjoy! And if you have a minute, leave me a comment with what your reading list looks like for this month. I like getting recommendations too, you know!

Art of Coloring Disney Villains

How do you like your Disney villains? Do you like them devious? Cunning? How about hipster-y, self-centered, and covered in patterns? Then have I got a treat for you!

I see you found a Disney coloring book more suited to your tastes.
Yes, though I only had a chance to flip through it. Art of Coloring Disney Villains is a little thank-you gift I bought for one of my friends. It's weird at times, but thankfully still entertaining. Unlike in the Disney Princess coloring book, the characters in Disney Villains are allowed to express a wide range of emotions while reenacting scenes from their movies or otherwise posing with new, "updated" material. Probably one of the funniest examples of this are the several images of Gaston from Beauty & the Beast as he takes an endless stream of selfies on a smart phone. Yeah. Wrap your head around that one. You'll see it makes complete sense— if he had a smart phone. One of the repeating "wallpaper" images is multiple villain faces wearing hipster glasses. Weird? Yes. Entertaining? YES.

The book is split into several different sections: animal kingdom, strictly human, and witches/creatures. As an unexpected bonus, most of the villains in the book also have a small, card-size portrait with information regarding: their movie, when it was released, and who voiced them. As with Art of Coloring Disney Princesses, this book is also that strange kind of hard cover (where it's a soft cover book with cardboard on the front and back). I still don't get it, but since the images were so much more fun for the villains, I really didn't mind so much. My favorite thing about this book, though, is that each of the villains has at least one image that include the movie's heroes as well. In each of these, the villain looks (appropriately) menacing— or looms over— the heroes/heroines; especially Izma from Emperor's New Groove. So what if they drew her with a piece of spinach stuck in her teeth? She's still a badass!

If you're interested in purely classic villains doing only what they do in their movies, I recommend you move along now. As previously mentioned, they took some liberties with these characters. However, since they are still "in character" for the most part, I forgave the artists and would be happy to have this book for my very own. I recommend you get one for yourself as well!